But,seriously.

In which the Internet Gods spank my elitist ass

  Ok,so I've been gone for awhile.  It's a long story involving my chickenshit phone company buying my chickenshit ISP and me losing internet for over a week. I won't bore you with it.  But the saddest part (and therefore the funniest) is that I come to you today courtesy of dial-up.   

  I know. Hilarious. Goddamnit.

I've learned my lesson,Internet!  Can I have my high-speed connection back now,please?

Oh,the Humanity!

        Ok. So this is the thing. I have found a skeleton in my brother's closet. He (gulp) still has dial-up and he does not have a TiVo.

         I know.  Take a deep breath. It's gonna be okay (though I can't imagine how.).   
Here I am bemoaning the lack of a TiVo in my bedroom to take up the slack of the one in the living room;and there are people so much less fortunate in the world. In my family,for God's sake!

         I never knew. I don't know if it was shame or pride that kept him from telling me.

        Everybody pray for my baby brother.  This too shall pass.   

Yes,again.

  So,a little bit more about me. You lucky dogs.

  I love Neil Diamond.   Yes,I know he's cheesy.  I know that by loving him,I am also of the cheese.  I understand these things and I do not care.

  I'm a Cubbies fan.  Gee,you'd think that alone would make me a more patient person,huh?

   I'm not a Bears fan simply because I don't give a shit about football.   Except for those Razorbacks. Go Hogs (yawn)! 

  Jazz music makes me want to rip my ears off.  I like (or can find something to like) in most kinds of music..but jazz just makes me nuts.

    I am not a good cook,but through the magic of FoodNetwork and Paula Deen,I can fake my way through lots of stuff.

    I cannot sleep in a room with any light or sound. Which means no watching TV as I fall asleep. Whatever's on the TV invariably finds it's way into my dreams and my dreams are weird enough without augmentation from Lifetime (which I totally don't watch,except sometimes I do. Shut Up).

   I am very,very good at my job. 

     Ok that's it for now. Stay tuned for another segment of I can't think of anything funny to post so here's some random crap about me so I don't feel as lazy as I actually am.

   
 

What the Hell is a Meme?

    Seriously? What is a meme?  I hear the term all over the place. It seems to me that it's a term associated with blogging posts that seem to be about the author of said blog. Am I correct? Is that the case?

    If so,what do the letters stand for?  Is it an acronym? Or does it just mean 'me/ me' as in 'it's all about me'? Please someone,tell me!

   Now a little more about me. (Cause who doesn't want that?)..(Put your hand down,Honey!)

  I cannot stand English peas or cooked carrots. I do not want them on my plate. I'd prefer not to have to see them.  This is hilarious to my husband.    My hatred has (and will again, I'm sure) led me to spend twenty minutes picking little bits of orange and green out of my fried rice at the chinese place in the mall.  They have the best rice, except for that little deal where they think that carrots and peas are palatable food and won't actually harm you in way and so they add them to the rice in staggering quantities.

      Now you know.  I hate peas and carrots.  What food do you hate? Or love? Or feel friendly towards but don't want to spend a lot of time with?    Or you like but not in *that way*?

Raise Your Hand...

  If you cannot wait to hear all about my 3 year old's birthday party!   Oh my, that many of you?   You people are too sweet to me.   Ok, on with the show (and there's pictures too!).

     He had the absolute best time y'all.  He got more dinosaurs than you can shake a stick at.  I personally thinks it's unwise to shake a stick at a dinosaur, but to each their own and I wish luck to those who choose to do it. (Seriously, I don't think the word 'unwise' can fully convey how concerned I am about those who choose to shake sticks at dinosaurs. At the very least, it's foolhardy. At the most it's, well, quite stupid. But I digress.)  (Frequently.)

     He also got a really cool Fireman who walks and talks. We have named him Mike.  Mike is loud. Mike has an off switch. We thank God for this. The child doesn't need to see Mommy rip out Mike's intesti...uh..batteries. 

    He asked for chocolate cake,balloons in specific colors (only the basics, thank God, no mauve or puce), a birthday hat and various DVDs, including SpongeBob in the specific and 'dinosaurs' in the vague. He also asked for ice cream, vanilla.

    He got everything he wanted, except the ice cream.  Turns out this one's my fault, damnit.  I tried to blame Dad, but it was all me.  Luckily, little man was so deep into Dino-palooza,he didn't notice or care that I'd forgotten ice cream.

    A good time was had by all and the cake was damned tasty too.  Ha. That reminds me. Little man was eating some string cheese earlier and gave me a bite. I made appropriate 'mmm nummy yummy' noises and he said 'isn't that tasty?'.   

    Oh, and pics are available in the 'Birthdays' photo album.  I know, I should tone down the creativity just a notch in the photo album naming department.  How will people know what kind of pictures they'll be looking at?

Nips and Ass

       Yesterday, my cousin (we'll call her Stumpy) sent me an email with an attachment that showed a young man putting the stem of a bottle rocket between his cheeks (and I do not refer to the ones on either side of his nose here, folks).

       It then showed the young man lighting said bottle rocket. I will say no more about it except to say that the young man lived to emasculate and/or kill himself another day.  

        This is the e-mail I sent in response:

      Ah, that special time of year. The leaves are turning all the colors of the rainbow (ok *most* of the colors of the rainbow), the smell of Autumn is in the air, there's a  nip in the air, kids are shooting fireworks out of their asse...wha..??

     Thank you dear cousin, for reminding us of all that is joyful and special about this season.

      Crazy bitch.

     Warmly, your older (and apparently way more fucking mature) cousin    

     This was her response to my response:

      Is it wrong that I send you things to evoke THIS very response? And I am never disappointed at your eloquent skills of dealing with me. And it feels like victory if I can... actually evoke curse words from you. Is that so wrong? I love you dearly... if it helps any. You're my Thelma... remember? Love, Louisie

TGIF (tomorrow,anyway)

Is anybody else insanely glad that tomorrow is Friday?  Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

  I'm at the end of 10 straight days as of tomorrow,and I am practically giddy. I plan to nap,several times.

  We are celebrating my baby's 3rd birthday this Saturday. This is the first one that he's been old enough to look forward to. He's asking for dinosaur DVDs and chocolate cake.  Thankfully,these are things that I am completely capable of providing. There will also be ice cream and balloons. Oh,and he specifically requested a birthday hat,so hopefully I can find something in the style of T-rex. 

  My best friend Patsy is also coming to visit this weekend. This? Makes me a very happy girl. Words cannot express.

  What are y'all doin this weekend?

Exploding dogs

Me (answering phone at work): 'Hello,thanks for calling (name of hellhole where I work),how can I help you?'

Customer/potential crazy person: 'Hello. Maybe you can help me. My dog exploded.'

Me:

Me:

Me: Um. Excuse me?

Customer: My dog is bloated.

Me: Oh,thank God in Heaven.

  (I then advised her to take said dog to a vet because bloat could be a sign of many things including,oddly enough,a condition called ..Bloat)

 

In Summary

In summary to what,you ask? Oh,nothing,just a little something I like to call a post I worked on for a fucking hour which is GONE! The Kentucky post is gone,people.  G-O-N-E.

So,in summary.

1) Kentucky; beautiful.  Seriously,go visit.

2) My son: All grown up

3) Drill Sargeants: Scary Mofos

4) Aunt Bee's restaurant: mediocre but damned convenient

5) Dinosaur World: Cheesy unless you're 2. When you're 2 it is the most awesome place in the world.

6) The cave in Horse Cave,Kentucky: Really cool. Unless you're old. Then it's cool and tiring.

7) My husband: Awesome.

8) My 2 (almost 3!) year old: best traveling toddler in the world. 

9) Our trip: Absolutely the most fun ever.

10) Me: looking forward to going back in December for graduation.

11) Also Me: Still really pissed about the really well written,poignant,funny post I spent all that time on.

     There are some photos in the Kentucky photo album.  Please look at them and appreciate the fact that I managed to post them even while muttering some really vile stuff about typepad and the Internet in general.

Wah

Just a (quick) complaint. I just got off work at 5 and have to go back at 6:30 for a meeting. A meeting where sandwiches and chips will be served. Ugh,squared. Retail blows.
  That is all.