But,seriously.

Hi!

Welcome!  I moved again!  Hopefully for the last time! Please come see the new place!  It's pretty! And shiny! And there are fewer exclamation points! 

Hope to see you there!

An Introduction, of sorts

    Hi!  If you got here from my old blog,  it's good to see you again! Yeah, I know I only posted there 5 minutes ago, but let's pretend it's been a while so we can have a little reunion. 

    It's so good to see you all!  You haven't changed a bit. Have you lost weight? 

    If, on the other hand, you've never heard of me before, well, Hi! How do you do?  I'm Contrary.  I like to ramble. I cuss a LOT.  Wanna see?  Fuckity fuck fuckerlicious.  See?   

    One of the reasons I decided to have my own website was because there was stuff I couldn't do on my blog, whether it was because I'm an idiot or because the function wasn't available.  One of the other reasons was that when my husband was putting together a website for his fraternity alumni, he checked to see if VeryContrary.com was available and it was and I am a dork and I really, really wanted it.

   Is it warrented, considering the relatively small number of readers I have? Probably not. Am I gonna enjoy it anyway and have more fun than a barrel full of naked monkeys? You bet your sweet ass!!

And now, your dubious reward for getting through all that drivel:

     Conversations with Pookie revisited:

  An hour and a half ago while we were huddled around his computer playing with the blog page. 

  Me: (Stretching.)

  Him: (Copping a feel)

  Me: Hey, hey hey!

  Him: I don't why understand you do that (stretch) and then complain when I take advantage. It's like wearin' a real short skirt  and then complaining cause I look at your ass.

  Me (not seeing his 'logic'):  Keep it up and I swear, I'll blog you!

     He kept it up, y'all.  He can't say I didn't warn him!

  Edited to add: For those who have witnessed me changing this thing every 5 minutes all night, sorry about that!  I'm trying to figure out how to fix several issues. 

Please tell me what the HELL I was thinking

After much angst (mostly on the part of me), and work (mostly on the part of Pookie), I have a shiny new website.  Well, mostly.  I have a very cool splash page  that does nothing but sit there and look pretty so far.  But it's pretty! And I love it! 

But I do have a blog   page!   It's fully functional and everything!    I even managed to export not only all my old entries, but all the old comments as well.  To be honest with you, the comments were every bit as important as the entries because they have been wonderful feedback from a lot of very nice people. 

    At one point, I was heard to say "I will hand type those suckers in there myself if we can't export them!"   Thank the Good Lord, that was not necessary. 

   I'd love it if y'all wanted to come have a look and maybe tell me what you think.

   Unless of course you think I suck.   

  I'll have a spanking new entry up there in just a few minutes
 

A conversation with Pookie

   About 5 minutes ago when I went to wake his lazy ass up (ok, so he works evenings and didn't get to bed till 2:00am, and therefore isn't technically lazy. Whatever.):

   Me: How's your ear feeling? 

   Him: Better. The ringing stopped.

   Me (whispering): Can you hear me?

   Him: Yes.

   Me (whispering even lower): Can you hear this, asshole?

   Him: Who are you talking to?  (because apparently there was a chance I was calling the cat an asshole)

   Me: You!

   Him:  Oh, because I knew my lovely sweet wife would never talk to me like that.

    Me:  (laughing my ass off)  Who else did you marry when I wasn't looking?

     In other news!  Y'all should go  here  and read her post on Google searches.  She's very funny and so are all her commenters and I'm afraid she may think I'm stalking her because I keep refreshing to see if anyone else has chimed in.    My name is Contrary and I'm addicted to  Breed Em and Weep . But in a good, wholesome, non-scary way. I promise!

     In more other news!  I'm off today! And tomorrow!  I plan a lot of sitting on my ass, interspersed with eating and possibly some shopping.    Oooh! And a nap! Or 6!

     Note to Daughter: Sarcasticness is not a word. You've lived with the sarcasm for 16 years. You should know this by now!

   

Cheaper by the Dozen?

My husband just sent  me this .  Y'all.  He said he figures I would say 'just shoot me' if it was me. 

He is wrong.

I would say 'Just shoot me, and then run me over and then drop my stupid ass off a bridge.'

  62 years old.  A great-grandmother.  12th kid.

   From the article: Baby Adam is the second child born to Wulf and third husband, Scott. Their other son is 3-1/2. Scott Wulf, who is 48 years old, said he’d always wanted children.

   The kicker? She did it ON PURPOSE. She went through in-vitro. You don't get more on purpose than that.   

  I'm sure she's not really batshit crazy.

    It just SEEMS like it.

  It's not that I don't love children. I do. Not just mine, either. I'm pretty much a fan of all children.  I'm not a baby hater.  But?  I don't love nothin' that much.  I wouldn't have 12 donuts and y'all know how I feel about donuts.

Fours

So this meme has been all over the blogosphere and back (I hear it's no longer cool to refer to the blogosphere, but I think my lateness with this meme illustrates just how behind the times I am) and I'm finally going to do it. I know, you're excited.

  Four  jobs I've had: 

  1) Teenaged peon at a fast food burger place. Hell. On. Earth.  I was 18 and my manager asked me if I gave good BJs (his term, not mine). I didn't know then that he could be fired for that kind of crap (which I'm sure he was counting on ), so I left.

  2)  Working at a rental place on a military installation. We rented everything from U-Hauls to board games.  That ended when the boss walked in on me talking about what a schmuck he was.   (Another good bit of advice for you kids out there. Do not call your boss a schmuck if there's a chance he'll either hear it or it will get back to him. Unless you hate your job and would like to be fired. In that case, call him an asshole too.)

  3)  Sold Christmas trees. Very much not glamorous with the lugging around of heavy pointy trees and sitting in the cold, but it paid for two damn good Christmases for my kids. (I was working other jobs while I did this. This is not a stand alone job.)

  4)  Dog groomer.  It's what I do now and it's what I'll continue to do until we win the lottery or retire.

  Four movies I can watch over and over:

  1) Yours, Mine and Ours. The original with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball. 

  2) Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russel.  I wanted to be raised by Mame.

  3)  Nobody's Fool with Paul Newman, Jessica Tandy, Bruce Willis and Melanie Griffith. If you haven't seen it, you should.

   4) Victor/Victoria with Julie Andrews, James Garner and Robert Preston. 

There are many, many more but this is a 4's thing.

Four places I've lived :

    1) Dubuque,Iowa.  A beautiful little town. The alleys are still paved with brick. (or they were last time I was there, a very long time ago)

    2) Cinncinati, Ohio. My favorite place I ever lived.  There was a stream that led into the Ohio River down the street from where we lived and we kids were always either there (playing Survivor, before there was a Survivor) or at the Jewish Community Center.  We loved the JCC, they had a pool and, and, and..okay so mostly I remember the pool. 

    3)  Shreveport, Louisiana.  Where most of my family and friends still live. I don't miss it except for the people. 

    4) Platteville, Wisconsin. Okay, so I didn't live there, live there, but I stayed with my stepsister for a couple of weeks while the Chicago Bears were at their training camp there and they didn't blink an eye at a 16 year old kid being in a bar, so technically, I can say that I partied with the Chicago Bears, even though I was nursing a coke (not exactly 'partying') and they didn't know I existed (not exactly 'with').

Four TV shows I like:

  1) Boston Legal.  I'm there, baby. Denny Crane!

  2) My Name is Earl.  I might be related to that guy. Either way, Jason Lee is perfect. 

  3) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.   I don't care how emotionally manipulative it is. I love it.

  4)  CSI.  I would like to have Gil Grissom's love child.  (to my husband: Not really, honey. I said that for dramatic effect.  To everyone else: Hell, yes, really. That little bow-legged man is HOTT)

Four Places I've been on vacation:

  1) Hot Springs, Arkansas.  Our favorite place to go for a quick weekend.

  2) Horse Cave, Kentucky. Not technically a vacation, but I've never taken a really truly vacation so I have to count places I've been for whatever reason that I enjoyed.  And we LOVED Kentucky.

  3)  Dallas, Texas.  The Mustangs at Las Colinas are the coolest bit of sculpture I've ever seen.

  4)  Shady Lake, Arkansas. The most beautiful camping area in the world.  Except for the pre-historic bugs. 

Four of my favorite  foods:    

  1) Crawfish from Crawdaddy's in Shreveport. 

  2)  Spicy Crawfish Fettucine from Johnny Carino's. 

  3) Chik-fil-A chicken sammich.

  4) Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake, courtesy of me.

Four sites I visit daily:        

   Everyone on my links list.  You can't make me play favorites!!

Four places I would rather be right now:

   1) New Hampshire.

   2) Hot Springs.

   3) Bed.

   4) At the chinese restaurant.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

   I don't think there's anyone left to tag. I'm pretty sure I'm the last one to do this. But if you haven't done it, and you'd like to, you should. And then tell me.

 

Just Don't Do It!

This evening, as we pulled in the Mickey's D's drive-thru(because we're all about the healthy eating), my daughter spotted the police cruiser in line a couple of cars ahead of us and said, "I didn't know McDonald's had doughnuts."

Kinda funny, right? 

I had to take this opportunity to give my daughter some very good advice: Do not joke about doughnuts in front of a cop. They do not think it's funny. At all.

How do I know this?  I used to work at a veterinary clinic and a state trooper was a regular client, bringing his police dog in for baths, toenail trims, veterinary care, etc.  He came in one morning and I (innocently) asked him if he brought us any doughnuts.  Now, in my defense, I asked a lot of people that. It usually made them laugh (and sometimes they brought us doughnuts!). 

It did not make him laugh. It made him angry. It made him deliver a diatribe about how cops don't only eat doughnuts, that in fact he did not even like doughnuts (which, in my opinion, made him an even bigger asshat than getting all het about an innocent comment) and that I should be more respectful to a group of people who risk their lives on a daily basis to keep me and mine safe.

He seriously bitched at me for 5 minutes, even after I apologized and tried to explain that I wasn't making a cop/doughnut joke.

So. Do not joke about doughnuts to a police officer.  Don't mention doughnuts at all in front of a police officer. If you work in a doughnut shop and a police officer walks in and orders some, do not laugh, and you might want to call them sweet bagels or something.

Other things you shouldn't say in front of a police officer:

1) "Whoo, do y'all smell bacon?" (I do not care if there is a pan of bacon frying right next to you, just don't do it.)

2) "Hey, buddy, I pay your salary, you know!"  (It's just not a good idea. Do you like the people who pay your salary? I didn't think so!)

3)  "That uniform makes you look a little 'hippy'" (Because, really, that's just mean.)

4) "Don't shoot!" (They won't think it's funny and they might, you know, shoot.)

For the record, I have all the respect in the world for police officers. But people with a humor deficit get on my very last fucking nerve. 

  In other news, possible big doins around here, blogwise. I'll keep y'all updated, but I will say, I'm pretty damned excited!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today is also my wedding anniversary, because we're all about the romantic cliches around here! It's been a very good one too. Hubby came through in a big way. I won't go into details because that would be bragging (think diamonds, roses and fudge!) and everyone knows that bragging is rude. I won't do it, so don't even ask me. Hee.

Today is also the anniversary of the day my littlest one was conceived (Mommy got knocked up while getting her boots knocked, in the vernacular of the streets,yo.). We didn't plan him, in fact we planned not to have any more kids as we already had 4 between us and what kind of crazy people would have 5 kids on purpose?    Well, we aren't crazy people (mostly) so he wasn't planned, but he was a most welcome surprise and on a regular basis one of us asks 'What in God's name would we do without this boy?'

The answer?   LIfe wouldn't be nearly as colorful, or as full of laughter. There would be no squeaky clean little head to smell after a bath. There would be no trying very hard not to laugh when he says 'Mama, I can't believe it! I thought Sissy was my friend!' when his sister is busy and doesn't have time to play with him.  There would be no delighting in the fact that I finally got a kid who has a sense of adventure about food, yet knowing that he will never love another like he loves chicken nuggets.   

There would be so much missing. The saddest part? I wouldn't even know I was missing it.

I'm so glad he's here. I'm so glad God had other plans for us. I'm so glad he's smart, because he'll be the one paying for the nursing home and it'll be a lot easier to do on a professional's salary than on minimum wage from Mickey D's.

    I'm just glad, period.

  Ooh! I got another gift today too!  Mir sent me a gmail invite.  My new address is VeryContrary@gmail.com. So, write me! I wanna try it out!

    I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day. 

Excitement, your name is Contrary

     Ok, so I was lookin through my stats to see how people got here (because I am the lame) and I noticed someone came from here .   Y'all, she totally linked to me! You can gauge my excitement by the gratuitous use of the word totally.  She doesn't have comments (which drives me up a WALL because I always have something I want to say when she posts, which, come to think of it, may be WHY she  doesn't have comments) so I know I didn't blind her with my staggering wit and charm to the point that she just had to link to me. 

    She probably just links to everyone who links to her, which is very cool of her if it's the case. Otherwise, I can't think how in the world she ever even heard of me. 

Let's face it, my family are my most avid readers and commenters and I've been known to call them and ask why I've seen no comments lately. So, this is kind of a big deal in my little world.

I'm so (lamely) excited for two reasons: One, I'm pretty sure this is my first linkage. If it isn't and I've been linked elsewhere, I don't know about it but would like to. So if you've linked to me (and how exciting would that be!?), please let me know so I can return the favor.

  Second reason: She's kind of an internet rockstar as well as a published author whose book  I cannot wait to read.  Come on, March!   

   I'm so excited!! 

Y'all, I'm tired

Seriously, I am one beat down MoFo.  I had a pretty great week at work, though. Not once could I be heard to mutter under my breath, 'Oh, yeah, Motherfucker? We'll see how you like it when I walk up out of this bitch and you don't have any business.'

Because I apparently turn ghetto and get a very inflated sense of my worth to the company when I get pissed off.

But this week? Was a good week.  I made lots of moolah. Moolah makes the world go round and it makes Contrary a nice level-headed, keeps-her-job kind of girl.

But today? Today I'm OFF. Off, off off. LaLaLa. HA!   

Some notes:

To Pookie: Thank you SO much for finding homes for those three terribly cute poop machines puppies. I thank you and our floors thank you. Also, thank you for bringing us all lunch yesterday at work. Thank you for taking Contrary Jr. to the mall at the last minute yesterday so she could get a skirt for the dance which you then immediately took her and picked her up from, thereby letting me sit at home on my ass and thank God my work week was over. Thanks for bringing home some chicken. Thanks for stopping at Wallyworld just for Splenda because I cannot drink sugar in my coffee anymore. Also, thank you for not snoring very much last night.

To Contrary Jr. :  Thank you for taking such good care of your baby brother.  Thanks for being patient. Thanks for calling me at work practically every day to see when I'll get off so you can have fresh coffee waiting.  Thanks for being an all around good kid. Thanks for letting me play with your hair even though you're 16 and much too mature for all that.

To Short Round (the 3 year old): Thanks for telling me that I'm your best friend.  I am, you know.  Thanks for being the sweetest little boy on the face of the Earth, when you're not being the loudest little boy on the face of the Earth.  Thanks for crawling into bed with us this morning and actually nodding back off for a little while so Mama got to cuddle your warm little self.

To Jo: Thanks for reading and posting to the ghost story even though it freaked you right the hell out and you prolly didn't get any sleep that night. You big weinie.  Thanks for being there for me, even though we're so far away from each other now. Thanks for being so funny and nasty and silly . Thanks for taking such good care of your Mom.

To anyone who reads or comments here: Thanks for that. I appreciate it, more than you know.

Stay tuned later in the day for some possible meme-y goodness. Maybe. If I don't gorge on Chinese food at lunch and spend the rest of the day napping and wishing I was napping.